All is fair in love and dating.

“”You don’t have to be the same person you were yesterday. You can make changes in your life..absolutely startling changes.”

I HATE CHANGE! I loathe it actually, it is the one thing that i can state for a fact that i become a total stubborn bear when having to come to face with it. Change is inevitable, and i know this, but it is literally like pulling teeth to get the ball rolling for me for change. Its like i know that where i am is not good, but so fearful to leave the shouldas couldas and wouldas that i fight change.

Change by definition means:change(ch

nj) changed, chang·ing, chang·es

a. To cause to be different: change the spelling of a word.b. To give a completely different form or appearance to; transform: changed the yard into a garden.2. To give and receive reciprocally; interchange: change places.3. To exchange for or replace

There’s a saying that goes ‘‘The only thing constant in life is change’’. Very true. And, in some cases, very hard to accept. When people are used to doing things a certain way, it can be difficult to change their course of action. People get caught up in what they have to give up and what has made them comfortable, versus what they may gain in the long run. You may find that some are eagerly willing to make the change, while some people dig in with their heels and fight every step of the way.

So i have decided that for the next 60 days i am going to CHANGE IT UP! As stubborn as i am i do know what i am doing in this moment is not working for me. I know this next 60 days will be life changing for me as i will be facing my own worse enemy… that of myself. I am hoping to be one that after all this i know myself and what i am worth and can laugh in the face of change and as they say roll with the punches.

I am thankful for my faith - while I’m not very good at being sure to attend church every week, I feel a very close connection to God and have faith that His love is with me at all times. It has been a tough year for me and  I see God as an all loving Father and can picture myself curled up in his lap. When I need comfort this is where I know I will receive it. I am thankful that His love is always with me.

I am incredibly grateful that I know what unconditional love is and have a compassionate heart. I have learned this year that not everyone knows this type of love nor shows it.

I am thankful for my beautiful and amazing family, and friends. These people have stuck with me and love me warts and all. They have seen me at my worst and have still managed to continue to love me through it. I know that I don’t tell any of them often enough how thankful I am that God put them in my life.

I am thankful that I have yet to fall in love and that I have felt what rejection feels like, as much as I hate to say that, I am thankful because I know I am growing and learning so much right at this very moment.

I am thankful for icecream, gossip magazines, and reality tv (new jersey and atlanta housewives especially)

Laughter - whether it is my loved ones, co-workers, children I volunteer with that make me laugh, I am so thankful to feel the happiness that laughter brings. When somone says something that  is beyond hilarious and has tears streaming down my face in a fit of laughter that is pure happiness.

I am thankful for photographs – Moments and memories from pictures never change, even if the people do,  I am so thankful to be able to look at and remember so many of my life experiences. Photos are great reminders.

“To give up is not a weakness, it is a strength. Giving up isn’t about winning or losing. It’s not about pride and it’s not about how you appear, and it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Giving up isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not about giving in. Giving up isn’t about loss and it’s not about defeat. To give up is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind confidence in the future. Giving up is learning and experiencing and growing. To give up is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Giving up is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Giving up is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To give up is to open a door, and to clear a path.”

I won’t elaborate too much more because the quote states exactly how i feel, but this is my struggle right now, in my thought process i think that “giving up” is a sign of a weakness and in reality it is a sign of true strength and self-respect. I have put all my cards on the table so to speak, exhausted and tried every way i know how and sometimes that just cant be enough. I will hold my pride and head up though because to give up is truly the only thing that i can do. Sometimes you have to try not to care, no matter how much you do because sometimes you can mean nothing to someone who means so much to you.

Insecurities.

Everyone has them when it comes to relationships.

Want to know mine?

That the man I like, care about, even end up falling in love with, is going to leave me.  My insecurity is being left behind.  Forgotten.  Discarded.

I fear that I will wake up one day and the man that I started a life with will decide that he does not love me.  And will leave me.

I’ve had this insecurity for years.  Probably going all the way back to my first serious relationship.

The reality that someone really can just walk away whenever they want, no matter how intertwined your lives are?  I can’t get over that.  It still haunts me and affects each and every relationship I get into.

A guy that I am seeing, that has done things over and over again to show me that he cares about me, doesn’t respond to a text message all night?

I automatically think, “welp, he must have realized he doesn’t like me anymore.”

I almost always end up being wrong.  He usually calls me the next day.

So, when am I just going to trust someone to believe that they are going to be the one person that is not going to just up and leave?

It is an insecurity that I have had my entire life.  And it is even one that has proven to be true.  But all I want is for that one person to come along and prove me wrong.  Show me that there is no need to have that insecurity.

That is why I dislike the dating game.  The guessing game.  I want a man to jump right in, let me know he likes me, wants to be with me.  I need the reassurance.  Because when I don’t get it, I get guarded.  And push away.  When the whole point of a relationship is to get closer, right?